i told you so

i told you this was an every-once-in-a-while blog. i feel no need to make excuses about where i've been, since i've been here the whole time.
i feel like writing more somewhat depressing poetry. i hope you like it. and remember -- as Andrew seems to be the only one who knows, i write my crappy free verse about OTHER PEOPLE, not myself. i'm not at all vain like that.
----
am i in denial?
am i afraid?
what's the matter with me?
you're perfect
everything i ever could have wished for
but yet i just can't say
i love you
those words won't go past my lips
they grab my tongue or my tonsils
they won't come out
and because i can't voice my love for you
for whatever reason
you don't know it
you think you're just my boy toy
but if you knew
how much more than that you mean to me
it would blow your mind
i don't care what they think
i don't care what they say
because i know i'm in love with you
but i'm too afraid of losing you to say it

it's a love story

helen posted on her and Sunday's blog about how she thinks i'm in love with Andrew.
moron.
i've been feeling a little better lately, but not much.
life just kinda gets me down.
meh.
so i am in love, that much is true. but it's not Andrew. i won't tell you who it is. that's my secret.
according to my sidebar, i'm a liar if i don't tell you my secret.
then my pants are metaphorically on fire.

lately

lately i've been singing and playing guitar. i usually play and sing the song 'Hallelujah" although i'm sure i may be butchering it. it's got a beautiful tune and the lyrics are amazing. i've also been being introspective lately. i've been thinking.
high school is only a tiny fraction of your life, so why does it seem like forever?
can you really be committed to loving someone for 4 or 5 straight years?
how do i get through the days when he never smiles?
do good things really come to those who wait?
why is these always that one person who can make you doubt yourself, even if you know there's nothing wrong with you?
nothing impresses the mountains or the sky, or so they say, so why are we all driven harshly to do everything exactly they way it "should" be?
who or what determines what is right versus what is wrong?
why does every pretty girl who walks near him make me feel ugly and like i'll never be good enough?
why can't i accept who i am and love myself?
why does ramon noodle soup make me sick?
if he loved my friend, could i forgive either of them? or would it be too much?
why do i hate her so much?
none of these questions seem to have an answer. except the second one. i have living, heartache proof of that fact. and it's me.