the leaver's song

haha it's not a song...
i'm back! i didn't drop off the face of the Earth! i don't have an excuse as to where i was. i just didn't feel like blogging. but i'm back! yay!
i live in a really small town, and there's always someone who wants to leave the town and go to a big city. so this is for them.
-----
People say that life in a small town is amazing. They see it on TV and the read it in books. It puts this image in your head. An image of everyone getting along, everyone smiling, everyone loving. I can tell you from experience that it's ... kind of like that. Pretty close.
But there's always that one kid who wants out. More than anything they want to get out of the history, out of the hustle and bustle.
I hear that years ago, his name was Seth. He had a broken family and a broken heart. Everyone could always find something mean to say about him, and he wanted to get away. I guess it turns out that he couldn't get out, because his daughter goes to school with me. Or maybe he got out but came back. I don't know.
A few years later, it was Sara. She was pregnant with an unexpected child, and she wanted to run from unrequited love. Run to Seattle. But she stood her ground. It was her town as much as it was his. Now her daughter is one of my best friends.
I always wonder why people want to get away from this town and go to a big city. Sure, it has it's flaws. Nothing is perfect. I guess they want a taste of the world, the big scary thing outside the limits of our little slice of the world. But I think we all belong here. And I'm glad Seth and Sara stayed.
-----
yeah, i'm a little rusty on the story writing thing...

in a perfect world

In a perfect world, no one would hate, and everyone would love.
In a prefect world, no one would suffer.
In a perfect world, two people in love would be together forever without having to worry about the curveballs of life.
In a perfect world, a child would never have to suffer losing a parent, and a parent a child.
In a perfect world, the words "I love you" would be said at least once a day by everyone to everyone.
In a perfect world, school would be about friendship and education, not about fashion and cliques.
In a perfect world, a friend would walk into your life and never ever walk out.
In a perfect world, there would be no such thing as hatred, jealousy, malice, war, or revenge.
In a perfect world, no one would ever hit a child.
In a perfect world, people would kiss more often than fight.
In a perfect world, the rich would give to the poor.
In a perfect world, the full would give to the hungry.
In a perfect world, love would mean more than sex.
In a perfect world, the world wouldn't have this many imperfects that would cause me to with for a perfect world.

to make you smile

yeah, i haven't posted in a while since i really loved my last story and it got two good reviews. so i'm a little hesitant to post something. but as they say in Bull Durham: moment's over, shut up. today i'm experimenting with points of view.
----
your arms holding me
i've never felt something so magical
never felt so safe and comfortable
you always make me happy
but you always look sad
i want to make you smile
i try my hardest
sometimes it works
but sometimes, one time
i accidentally made you cry
i didn't mean to
i'm sorry
i love you
and i always want you to be happy
because you make me happy
happiness is the best feeling ever
other than love
i love you
and you make me happy
so you must just be
the best person
in the whole world
so please
let me make you happy
let me make you smile
----
yes, for that poem i tried to write from the point of view of a baby/toddler. how did i do? could you tell? i tried to disguise it, but i'm not sure how i did. thoughts?

then the dandelions won't hear you

today is another short story day. i like to write short stories. they make no sense, and i don't have to attempt to explain them. they're fun. and HYPOTHETICAL!
----
Sometimes things happen and you can't stop them. No matter what. You can only sit back and watch the fireworks.
This was one of those things.
We'd been friends for a while. He was always chased by other girls, and I was a single mother. I always just assumed nothing would or could happen. He was very good with my daughter, Jessica. She really liked him, but we both understood that he wasn't a romantic interest of mine.
My fiance had been killed in the army. I always told myself that I would never fall in love again. I always thought it was true.
Jessica loved him, almost as she had loved my fiance, her father. He loved her, too. He had told her so once.
Having him around really helped. He always took care of her if I needed a break. He loved it. Jessica loved it. I loved it.
But until today I never thought that I loved him. He was an amazing friend. Today I thought I loved him. It was while he was making Jessica laugh. He looked over at me and smiled. At that moment I found myself wondering what it would be like to kiss him. At that moment I discovered that I'd been wondering that in the back of my mind for a few weeks. But I didn't try. I was too scared.
Now I was incredibly curious. I was staring at his mouth while he was trying to talk to me. He looked confused.
"Are you staring at my mouth?" he asked. What an awkward question. The answer was yes, but I wasn't about to admit it.
"Sorry. I was just kind of spacing out." I replied. He smiled.
"Oh, you're tired right?" he said. "You have little bags under your eyes." I liked to consider myself an attractive young woman, so bags under my eyes was not a good thing.
"Yeah, Jessica was up all night." I said, rubbing one of my eyes. "You heard the thunder, right? She hates thunder and lightning."
"Yeah, I know." he smiled. Feeling my curiosity nag again, I picked a dandelion growing near my feet. He cocked his head to the side.
"You wish on dandelions?" I smiled.
"Yeah. Why not, right?" I took a deep breath and blew on the dandelion. To my surprise, every single seed fell off and blew away in the wind. I turned it in my hand, slightly disbelieving that I had actually managed to blow every seed off. He smiled and nudged me a little.
"Hey, you blew them all off. That means your wish will come true." he said. Little did he know that I had wished for the guts to kiss him. His mouth was looking better by the second, and to my own horror my wish really was coming true.
"What did you wish for?" he asked. The only thing stopping me was how much taller he was than me. I was only five feet tall and he was a little over six feet. I couldn't reach him without him bending down. I smiled a forced smile.
"If I tell you, then it won't come true." I couldn't decide if I was delighted or terrified when he leaned a little closer to me.
"Whisper. Then the dandelions won't hear you." he said, quietly. All I had to do was stand on my tip-toes and his mouth would meet mine. The very thought made my head spin. I wasn't sure if I could or even if I wanted to. I knew I wanted to, but I didn't want to ruin what we had.
I couldn't stop myself as I shifted on my toes and kissed him. It felt a million times better than I had ever imagined. The only problem was I didn't want to pull away. I didn't want to see his reaction. But I didn't want to keep my mouth there too long and look creepy.
Just as I was going to pull away, I felt a little push. He kissed me back. I didn't know what to do. I had never anticipated the possibility of him kissing me. I just stood there and enjoyed the moment. I wanted it to last forever. But eventually my nerves got the better of me and I pulled back.
"That's what I wished for." I whispered. I was still so close that my nose was brushing against his. He smiled again.
"Looks like you got your wish." he whispered back to me. I smiled and crinkled my nose, not wanting these few moments to ever go away.

strings attached

yeah, my hypothetical poetry wasn't amusing enough. today i'm writing a short story. i have no idea how good of a writer i am, and i by no means consider myself a writer. just a poet and a hopeless romantic.
----
He walked into the apartment, confused by her silence at his knock.
"Jackie?"
He looked around, noticing to his horror that the apartment was stripped. No furniture, nothing on the walls, no sign that a young woman and her baby girl had ever been there. Panicked, he called her name again.
"Jackie!"
He ran into the nursery, his only thought being the safety of that baby. He stopped in the doorway. The nursery was just as empty as the rest of the apartment. No crib, no changing table, no baby.
All that remained of Jackie and her baby daughter was a pacifier, laying in the middle of the nursery as if it had been dropped in a hurry, with no time to go back for it. He knelt down, panic fading into horror and heartbreak, and picked up the pacifier. He cradled it in his hand. It was still warm. It still smelled like the baby.
The entire apartment still smelled like them. If he focused really hard, he could see where the legs of the crib had left dents in the carpet. He could see where the dresser had rubbed against the the pastel purple paint on the wall. He only wished he could see the baby. And Jackie.
He remembered the hospital like it was yesterday.

Jackie had been swearing like a sailor at the pain. But he hadn't tried to get in her way. That was their agreement. No strings attached. He had waited, patiently, until a nurse with a bright smile on her face had brought her in. The most beautiful little baby girl he had ever seen. She was wrapped up in her tiny pink blanket, crying a little. The world must have seemed so scary to her. He wanted to hold her and tell her everything would be okay. Just then the smiling nurse had noticed him. She smiled a little brighter.
"Are you family?" she asked, cradling the frightened baby. He nodded. She smiled again and looked down at the baby.
"This little girl is brand new." she said, cooing softly at the baby. "Her mother is asleep." she looked back at him. "Do you want to hold her?"
Without thinking, he nodded. The nurse carefully placed the bundle in his arms.
He was mesmerized. This moment was perfect. The baby was perfect. She stared at him, afraid. He smiled at her, rocking her gently.
"What's her name?" he asked, as he realized that Jackie had never told him what she wanted to name her baby. The nurse smiled.
"Lucy." she said.
"Lucy." he said back, then looked back at the baby. His baby. Lucy. She was so small, so helpless, so warm. He wanted to hold her forever, just like this. He wanted to protect her from whatever terrible things waited for her in the years to come. He wanted to be with her always.
"Lucy." he murmured again.

He knew she didn't like him breaking his agreement, but he never imagined this. He never thought it would come to something this extreme.
He realized he was crying and wondered how long he'd been doing it.
Jackie and Lucy were gone. He was never going to see them again. His baby, his first child, the center of his whole universe, was gone.
And all he had left was her favorite pacifier.

with liberty and justice for all

yeah, i'm so strung out that i used lyrics from the Pledge of Aligence as a title. i was trying to think up some thoughtful phrase about how screwed up life is, but i got nothing. today is another poetry, but PLEASE keep in mind this is ALL hypothetical! for real! i just love to think up how people around me or in books or on TV feel.
----
everything is on the line
everything is in danger
everything is hanging in the balance
like someone trying to grip a slippery cliff for dear life
like being shot at with no weapon
like reaching for something to grab as you fall
it isn't fair
that you have to go through this too
but you assure me
it's what you want
----
the little baby stares
it doesn't know a thing
it's too young to understand
it's parents,
the two people who used to love each other
more than anything but him,
are battling each other
to see who gets to keep him
to see him every day
a luxury they both used to take for granted
and one of them will soon lose
this is life
how it happens
some people say it's the mother's fault
other says it's the father's
but no matter who's to blame
they all have to gather
to battle for the little baby they love
and everyone knows
she's going to lose
----
i love you
you're amazing
i love you
you're extraordinary
i love you
you're gorgeous
i love you
you're sweet
i love you
you're perfect

i told you so

i told you this was an every-once-in-a-while blog. i feel no need to make excuses about where i've been, since i've been here the whole time.
i feel like writing more somewhat depressing poetry. i hope you like it. and remember -- as Andrew seems to be the only one who knows, i write my crappy free verse about OTHER PEOPLE, not myself. i'm not at all vain like that.
----
am i in denial?
am i afraid?
what's the matter with me?
you're perfect
everything i ever could have wished for
but yet i just can't say
i love you
those words won't go past my lips
they grab my tongue or my tonsils
they won't come out
and because i can't voice my love for you
for whatever reason
you don't know it
you think you're just my boy toy
but if you knew
how much more than that you mean to me
it would blow your mind
i don't care what they think
i don't care what they say
because i know i'm in love with you
but i'm too afraid of losing you to say it

it's a love story

helen posted on her and Sunday's blog about how she thinks i'm in love with Andrew.
moron.
i've been feeling a little better lately, but not much.
life just kinda gets me down.
meh.
so i am in love, that much is true. but it's not Andrew. i won't tell you who it is. that's my secret.
according to my sidebar, i'm a liar if i don't tell you my secret.
then my pants are metaphorically on fire.

lately

lately i've been singing and playing guitar. i usually play and sing the song 'Hallelujah" although i'm sure i may be butchering it. it's got a beautiful tune and the lyrics are amazing. i've also been being introspective lately. i've been thinking.
high school is only a tiny fraction of your life, so why does it seem like forever?
can you really be committed to loving someone for 4 or 5 straight years?
how do i get through the days when he never smiles?
do good things really come to those who wait?
why is these always that one person who can make you doubt yourself, even if you know there's nothing wrong with you?
nothing impresses the mountains or the sky, or so they say, so why are we all driven harshly to do everything exactly they way it "should" be?
who or what determines what is right versus what is wrong?
why does every pretty girl who walks near him make me feel ugly and like i'll never be good enough?
why can't i accept who i am and love myself?
why does ramon noodle soup make me sick?
if he loved my friend, could i forgive either of them? or would it be too much?
why do i hate her so much?
none of these questions seem to have an answer. except the second one. i have living, heartache proof of that fact. and it's me.

a smile is a curve that sets things straight

everyone and everything in this world has flaws
everyone and everything has done something they're not proud of
something they wish they could take back
something they never should have done
something that makes people look the other way
pretend they're not there
you've done more than your fair show of those things
every day a new mistake comes back around to punish you
i should hate you for all the bad things you've done
i should leave you for all the craziness i can't even imagine
i should
but i can't
every time you smile everything else washed away
every time you smile i can't hate you
because it's that moment that you silently say
"i'm sorry" and "i love you"
your eyes just seem to whisper
"i'm telling the truth"
i should hate you, as everyone else
i should
but i could never think a bad thought about you
i could never say a mean word against you
i could never hate you
because i love you too much for that

[my fav so far, feedback is welcome]

tears

TEARS
fickle little things
dance down my cheeks
filling every little crease
of my imperfections
TEARS
ugly little things
let the whole world know
i can't hold it in
not anymore
TEARS
tiny little things
burn at my skin
as they creep down my face
slipping off my chin
TEARS
like a rainstorm as they fall
splashing the keyboard
burning my cheeks
choking off my breath

[trying to write a poem after Andrew's was a dumb idea]

love

love is simple
love is complicated
love is wonderful
love is overrated
love is beautiful
love is ugly
love is classy
love is gross

when you kissed me, my world snapped into focus
i know what's important and i know that it's you
don't walk out the door
i haven't said all i need to
but i can't tell you how much i love you
i can't find the words
you always have the right words without fail
i'm pale by comparison, almost white
even if i knew what to say, i would never be able to say it
your smile makes me go weak at the knees
your laugh is the best sound i've ever heard in my time on this sometimes miserable earth
i need you, i want you, i love you
i could say it a million times and you still wouldn't know
i love you, i love you, i love you
you won't know because i'm far too afraid of being hurt to make myself vulnerable
i'll watch from afar
i love you
and never say it
i love you
i'm too scared
i love you
i'm too chicken
i love you

[IMPORTANT NOTE: THAT LAST BIT OF PATHETIC FREE VERSE IS TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL!!!]

myob

everyone's been posting their personal opinion about the tattoo thing with me and Andrew. it kind of bugs me, but i can't stop them. that's how life is. stuff bugs you, but you can't do anything about it. life sucks sometimes. it sure is a roller coaster. or more like a river. sometimes it's rough and you wanna jump ship, but sometimes it's calm and easygoing and you wanna stay there in that moment forever.

on the up swing

i'm having a good day today, and thank God, because my last few days have been icky. i think Andrew's mad at me for thinking about ditching the tattoo plan. hmm. i feel kinda lucky today, like something good is going to happen soon. i don't know why i feel that way, i just do. Andrew hasn't posted on Confessions in like a million years. i wonder why... well, that's just my random thoughts of today. thanks for reading.

tattoo alternatives and summer vacation

so Cassandra wants me to tell you about my summer vacation. but before i do that, one of my comments on the last post said i should get a fun piercing instead of a tattoo. they do have a point. a piercing is more day-to-day (rings and such), and if i decide not to put anything in it, it will eventually heal over. hmm... thanks for the idea, Jillian Christine! i'm really digging it! but getting back to what Cassandra said. i spend my summer like i spend all my summers. goofing off with Jensen and Andrew! we did all of our usual Meerewsen (all out names combined! haha, like it?) stuff. crazy bets and dares, childhood favorites, all those things. but that's all i feel like writing for now. bye!

i really want a tattoo!

the title says it all. i even went to the trouble of designing my own! i'd want it on the small of my back. also the pic isn't actual size. i'd want it a bit smaller. what do you think?

getting me through the days

andrew. that's basically what gets me through this crazy life of mine. andrew.

andrew, you said in your last comment that you can't make me smile when i'm sad. but little do you know that you're the only one i want to see when i get upset or when i feel like i could burst into tears at any moment. you save me. you're the best thing in my life.

i know how it sounds but i really mean it. thanks. for everything.

hey

hey everyone! so basically this is a sporadically updated blog of my life and times. and i'll warn you know. i might seem a bit bipolar, but i'm just a little crazy. some days i'm depressed, some day's i'm bursting with happiness. but i can assure you this -- all of my clouds have a silver lining eventually.