lately

lately i've been singing and playing guitar. i usually play and sing the song 'Hallelujah" although i'm sure i may be butchering it. it's got a beautiful tune and the lyrics are amazing. i've also been being introspective lately. i've been thinking.
high school is only a tiny fraction of your life, so why does it seem like forever?
can you really be committed to loving someone for 4 or 5 straight years?
how do i get through the days when he never smiles?
do good things really come to those who wait?
why is these always that one person who can make you doubt yourself, even if you know there's nothing wrong with you?
nothing impresses the mountains or the sky, or so they say, so why are we all driven harshly to do everything exactly they way it "should" be?
who or what determines what is right versus what is wrong?
why does every pretty girl who walks near him make me feel ugly and like i'll never be good enough?
why can't i accept who i am and love myself?
why does ramon noodle soup make me sick?
if he loved my friend, could i forgive either of them? or would it be too much?
why do i hate her so much?
none of these questions seem to have an answer. except the second one. i have living, heartache proof of that fact. and it's me.

a smile is a curve that sets things straight

everyone and everything in this world has flaws
everyone and everything has done something they're not proud of
something they wish they could take back
something they never should have done
something that makes people look the other way
pretend they're not there
you've done more than your fair show of those things
every day a new mistake comes back around to punish you
i should hate you for all the bad things you've done
i should leave you for all the craziness i can't even imagine
i should
but i can't
every time you smile everything else washed away
every time you smile i can't hate you
because it's that moment that you silently say
"i'm sorry" and "i love you"
your eyes just seem to whisper
"i'm telling the truth"
i should hate you, as everyone else
i should
but i could never think a bad thought about you
i could never say a mean word against you
i could never hate you
because i love you too much for that

[my fav so far, feedback is welcome]

tears

TEARS
fickle little things
dance down my cheeks
filling every little crease
of my imperfections
TEARS
ugly little things
let the whole world know
i can't hold it in
not anymore
TEARS
tiny little things
burn at my skin
as they creep down my face
slipping off my chin
TEARS
like a rainstorm as they fall
splashing the keyboard
burning my cheeks
choking off my breath

[trying to write a poem after Andrew's was a dumb idea]

love

love is simple
love is complicated
love is wonderful
love is overrated
love is beautiful
love is ugly
love is classy
love is gross

when you kissed me, my world snapped into focus
i know what's important and i know that it's you
don't walk out the door
i haven't said all i need to
but i can't tell you how much i love you
i can't find the words
you always have the right words without fail
i'm pale by comparison, almost white
even if i knew what to say, i would never be able to say it
your smile makes me go weak at the knees
your laugh is the best sound i've ever heard in my time on this sometimes miserable earth
i need you, i want you, i love you
i could say it a million times and you still wouldn't know
i love you, i love you, i love you
you won't know because i'm far too afraid of being hurt to make myself vulnerable
i'll watch from afar
i love you
and never say it
i love you
i'm too scared
i love you
i'm too chicken
i love you

[IMPORTANT NOTE: THAT LAST BIT OF PATHETIC FREE VERSE IS TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL!!!]

myob

everyone's been posting their personal opinion about the tattoo thing with me and Andrew. it kind of bugs me, but i can't stop them. that's how life is. stuff bugs you, but you can't do anything about it. life sucks sometimes. it sure is a roller coaster. or more like a river. sometimes it's rough and you wanna jump ship, but sometimes it's calm and easygoing and you wanna stay there in that moment forever.

on the up swing

i'm having a good day today, and thank God, because my last few days have been icky. i think Andrew's mad at me for thinking about ditching the tattoo plan. hmm. i feel kinda lucky today, like something good is going to happen soon. i don't know why i feel that way, i just do. Andrew hasn't posted on Confessions in like a million years. i wonder why... well, that's just my random thoughts of today. thanks for reading.